Let’s Talk About Breasts

By  |  11 Comments

“Are you breastfeeding?”

It’s a question I’ve been asked — just estimating here — four gajillion and seventy-two times since announcing I was pregnant.  Coming from a family that primarily bottle-feeds our babies (explains why I later took so quickly to the beer bottle… and vodka bottle… and tequila… and…), I was taken aback by matter-of-factness of it all.  Not only were the State of My Breasts apparently in the public domain, but the breastfeeding question was also completely rhetorical.  Almost combative at times.  More like, “You’re breastfeeding, aren’t you?”

And I wasn’t.  Planning on breastfeeding, that is.

I liked the idea of allowing Mr. Candy to bond with Baby Girl during feedings.  I’d also done my due diligence, poring over medical research merely suggesting breastfeeding could have protective benefits — research findings filled with “may”s and “could”s and some pretty major biases, including surveying affluent mothers who, yes, breastfed but also had access to superior health care that could account for their children’s seemingly better health.  Popular literature routinely lays guilt trips on mothers who — GASP! — decide to bottle feed, ignoring the benefits of using formula, like avoiding the environmental toxins and allergies that we sometimes pass through our breast milk and offering Vitamin D, an important vitamin breast milk often lacks.

Having done my homework, I would respond to the question as any confident, knowledgeable mother-to-be would:  By avoiding eye contact and mumbling, “Um, no, I’m not.  ANYWAY… How ’bout those crazy Gosselins, huh?!”

A confrontational person, I am not.  And it’s not that I was ever ANTI-breastfeeding, that would just be plain loco, but rather anti-BREASTFEEDING NAZIS.  You know the kind of person I’m talking about, don’t you?  The person who SCHA-REAAAAMS in all-caps, all the time, in mommy forums about how women who choose to bottle-feed should not be allowed to procreate, are lazy and, oh yeah, can leave their jacket behind when they die because they are GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!  The person who “tsk-tsks” when you dare to admit you have chosen to feed formula, the devil’s food, to your child.  The person who, frankly, scares me so much that I would actually encourage a discussion about the Gosselins.  Yes!  The freakin’ Gosselins!  ANYTHING but breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding.  It’s a subject that riles up ladies on a level akin to the Angelina versus Jen debate.  And I, simply being pro-feeding-your-baby, did not have the energy or passion required for that conversation.

So, yeah, color me surprised to find myself BREASTFEEDING.

Our second day at the hospital, I was enjoying some precious skin-to-skin time with Miss Skylar — bra on, no nipple in sight (after you experience birth, you don’t give words like “nipple” or “vagina” or “leaky” a second thought… much to my dad’s chagrin) — and she became so animated, like crazy animated, literally LIFTING her head and entire body to move toward my breast and chow down.  I haven’t seen anyone that enamored with my boobs since my friend’s drunk dad held an hour-long conversation about Napa Valley with them — “Hello?  Eyes up here!” — at his daughter’s wedding reception in 2001.  Ew.

I was all, “Holy shit!  Did you see that?!”   Mr. Candy could only nod in amazement.  Seeing my daughter’s instinctive, primal reaction to the milk my body was producing for HER tugged at my heartstrings.   It really did.  So then I was all, “Um, uh, maybe I should try breastfeeding?”

Now, I’d devoured a ton of books and television shows about pregnancy and baby-raisin’ the past nine months.  But, obviously, I’d skipped the chapters on breastfeeding technique.   So I did what ANY new mother would when it comes to the most natural thing in the world:  Cheated and called the nurse for help.

“Help!” I cried when the nurse answered my call.  By this point, Skylar was foaming at the mouth.  I kid you not.  Cujo ain’t got nothing on this kid when she’s hungry.

The nurse positioned Cujo in my arms and… she immediately latched on like a pro.

“Holy shit!  Do you see this?!”  Mr. Candy could only nod in amazement.  Or perhaps he was speechless, as his dreams of bonding with baby during feedings and bonding with my (milk-free) breasts during sexy time, quickly flashed before his eyes.

Sorry, honey.  Keep your receipt and come back in six months.

Cujo has been attached to my breast ever since.   And to be honest…?  I love it.  The bonding time, that is, as well as the knowledge that I could be providing a healthier start for our little girl.  Key word:  could.  Having talked to my friends who are breastfeeding mommies, I realize how lucky I am that Cujo breastfed so naturally, without the help of a lactation consultant, boobie coach or whatnot.

Bottom line:  Cujo loves the boob!

Despite my unexpected and pleasant breastfeeding experience, however, I am STILL pro-feeding-your-baby-however-possible and anti-judging-other-mommies.  We mothers should be banding together and respecting each others’ parenting decisions, not casting unfair aspersions.

Unless, of course, we’re talking about the Gosselins.  Can you BELIEVE the way Jon is parading all of his skanks in front of the world and his kids?  Yuck!  (Watch:  In ten years, he’ll be holding conversations with his daughter’s friend’s breasts…)

Share the laughter!Share on FacebookPin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

Around the web

11 Comments

  1. amritahapu

    Aug 11, 2009 at 1:33 am

    if you are worried about hubby not bonding with the baby when you breastfeed, you should pump some milk into a baby bottle and let him feed Skylar :) although, sometimes when you do this, she might get lazy to feed from you… ask your doc and see :)

  2. Mette

    Aug 11, 2009 at 3:35 am

    Why so worried – he can bond while changing dirty diapers!

  3. J-Force

    Aug 11, 2009 at 8:45 am

    When people asked me about that during my pregnancy I would always answer “I hope to breastfeed”. Because it is always assumed to be the most natural thing, but in reality many women experience trouble breastfeeding for a variety of reasons.
    For me personally, it took 5 days before my son finally realized that boobs ain’t so bad after all and made the switch from bottle to breast. And here we are, 7 months later and he still sucks the life out of me about 6 times a day (and night).
    There’s no 100% proof that babies who breastfeed are healthier, but in my case our baby hasn’t been sick for even a single day! Whatever the reason for that may be, I’d like to just say ‘yay for me’!

  4. Kat

    Aug 11, 2009 at 9:30 am

    I breastfed my twins (and looked nothing like that damn Angelina statue whilst doing so…. *cough*tummytuck*cough*. And yes, became used to the evils of the breast pump.

    Now, this may just be the weirdo I married, but… one night, the four week old twins were hungry at night. Momma was super duper tired. Somewhere in MrKat’s head came the equation – hungry babies + milk from boobs = happy babies. And I woke up to him trying to milk me. Squeezing my boob with a bowl under it.

    We’re still married. Just.

  5. Kate

    Aug 11, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Thanks for writing about this. I am planning to try to breastfeed, but if I choose not to, I didn’t want a guilt trip. I was a formula baby and I turned out fine health and intelligence wise. It’s outrageous that some women judge each other so harshly about this.

  6. Moonlight Dancer

    Aug 11, 2009 at 11:48 am

    LOL at Mr. Kat. Here is hoping you don’t have a cat, less he try to milk that as well.

  7. yaya

    Aug 11, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    i breast feed but i don’t look down on anyone who doesn’t. i had an impossibly difficult time that was incredibly painful as well, but that was what i wanted so i worked at it and made it happen.

  8. yaya

    Aug 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    congratulations! i breast feed but i don’t look down on anyone who doesn’t. i think people should just do what’s best for them. for both my babies i had an impossibly difficult time that was incredibly painful as well, but that was what i wanted so i worked at it and made it happen.

    haha at mr. kat that’s too funny.

  9. yaya

    Aug 11, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    haha sorry about posting twice. baby kicked the keyboard.

  10. Exyank

    Aug 11, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    The thing I liked most about breastfeeding was how easy and convenient it is. I admit it, I’m lazy, and I so seriously did NOT want to be bothered with all the bottles and sterilising stuff and mixing stuff and… ugh. When you breastfeed, you’ve got it on tap, all the time, even in the middle of the night. ;)

  11. Zay

    Aug 13, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    ROLF @ Mrkat.

Add Comment Register



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>