I’d Like The Salad, With a Baby on the Side

Jul 13, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column | Tags: Labor Induction, The Lengths We'll Go To

“Any more signs?”

“Is that baby going to come OUT already?”

“It feels like you’ve been pregnant forEVER!”

Turns out, telling everyone about the ol’ mucus plug and whatnot…? Not such a hot idea. Even though Baby Girl isn’t officially due for another two-and-a-half weeks, friends and family are now clamoring for her arrival. Yesterday wouldn’t be soon enough. And I, being the Baby Vessel and all, feel like I am letting them down. A disappointment of epic proportions. I feel like mighty Casey at the Bat, unable to deliver the winning run for his beloved town of Mudville.

Of course, a bat may not be the safest way to encourage Baby Girl to leave her comfy womb. So I have tried all of the recommended — and slightly less violent — labor inducers to help speed things along: an entire container of sliced pineapple; spicy Indian food; more pineapples; the sexy time; walking; and, oh yes, some more pineapples. Clearly, these “jump-starters” haven’t been terribly effective. But I would not be at all surprised if Baby Girl emerged with a piña colada in hand.

Sensing our desperation — maybe it was our cries of “WE’RE DESPERATE!” that tipped them off — a couple of Mr. Candy’s colleagues recommended a pizza joint in The Valley famous for its labor-inducing salad dressing. “Oh, that’s silly!” I laughed, pineapple juice dripping from my chin, when Mr. Candy first told me about it. Then my doctor actually suggested trying “The Salad.” Yes! A licensed medical professional! Or, um, at least I think she’s licensed. (She determined I’m carrying a girl by checking the Chinese Lunar Calendar — that’s totally legit, right?)

So you know where we ended up on Saturday. Yup, Caioti Pizza Cafe.

Behold the Magic Baby-Popping Salad! Which is just a pile of romaine, watercress, walnuts and Gorgonzola. It’s the dressing – made of pure olive oil, balsamic vinegar, sun-dried tomatoes, spices, herbs and a “secret ingredient” — that apparently lures as many as 50 expectant moms a day. On Saturday afternoon…? I was the only desperate mama-to-be. I felt a little silly waddling in there, obviously in search of the Magic Salad Dressing, but then I thought about poor Casey at the Bat: It was time for me to take one for the team. And, more importantly, to get this freakin’ pregnancy over with already! Er, I mean… to help usher a beautiful new life into this world.

Here I am. Ushering.

“Are you in labor yet?” our server laughed five minutes later. Yeah. Ha, ha. Laugh at the miserable pregnant lady! That’s what they all do. (Yes, I’m looking at YOU, Mom.)

Fast-forward 30 hours: Baby Girl is still chilling in Club Candy. In fact, I swear she has actually crawled back UP the birth canal, pissed that I made her eat salad. Sorry, little one. My bad. Might I bribe you with some Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt with a side of fried chicken…? Heeeeeeere, baby, baby!

6 Comments

6 Responses to “I’d Like The Salad, With a Baby on the Side”

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Eize says:

I don’t think piñacoladas go well with salads.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:51 pm - Reply
Parsing Nonsense says:

Ha! I guess you’re just entirely too comfortable and doing too good a job at gestating. Keep your chin up, you won’t be pregnant forever!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:05 pm - Reply
Cowgirl in the Sand says:

You’re just so good at being pregnant! I wish I were — do you have any secrets for me? My goal is to just keep this one cooking until 37 weeks (11 more days…c’mon baby!).
July 13th, 2009 at 2:29 pm - Reply
Candy says:

Apparently, anxiously awaiting their arrival keeps ‘em in the oven a bit longer. A watched baby never births. Or something like that.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pm - Reply
yaya says:

I know exactly how you feel! My second pregnancy the wait was even harder. I had a cousin that was pregnant the same time as me, and her due date was a week after mine. That inconsiderate jerk went into labor and had her baby a week BEFORE my due date. I cried when i went to visit her at the hospital. I felt like she had cheated me and that i should have had my baby not her. It sounds crazy now but at the time it all made perfect sense.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:03 am - Reply
Amira says:

Castor Oil! My daughter (who is nine months old now.) was giving me some probs with less fetal kicking (In and out several times two weeks before her miraculously friggin painful entrance.) I mean, two kicks a day if lucky. Mucus plus discharged week prior, real contractions but no dialating. This went on for nearly two weeks. Father in law bought Castor Oil, recommended 4 teaspoons but I think I put like half a cup into a pinapple flavored slushie (To get past the icky taste.) 12 hours later, labor room! If you ever feel to use the Castor Oil method, Just ask your hubby to place a lounge lawn chair in your restroom.
July 16th, 2009 at 9:10 am - Reply