Talk About a Fun Party Ice Breaker

Nothing gets a party started like a good vaginal discharge story, so I’ll kick it off:  I was enjoying dinner last night at California Pizza Kitchen, where my Waldorf Chicken Salad unexpectedly came with a side of mucus plug.

No wonder I’m never invited to parties.

I went to the ladies’ room — because I’d only urinated two billion times in the past hour — and I was greeted with a handful of “OH DEAR GOD, I’VE GIVEN BIRTH TO GHOST SLIME!”

As luck would have it, Mr. Candy and I were dining with my cousin who is a labor and delivery nurse.  To her, this is scintillating dinner conversation.  When I returned to the table and announced we were the proud parents of a bouncing bundle of ghost slime, her face lit up:  “Your mucus plug came out!”

Oh!  Right!  The mucus plug!  I KNEW that.  *AHEM*

According to my cousin and the four-hundred-thousand totally credible pregnancy message forums I scoured last night, this could mean labor is imminent OR… not.  Predicting labor is a precise science like that.  Especially because the plug was totally clear. Like, um, snot.  (Deep breaths, Dad.  In… and out…)  I can tell you it DOES mean I got my ass in gear and (over)packed my hospital bag as soon as we got home, and that every sound I utter makes Mr. Candy jump ten feet in the air now.

“Are you okay?  Are you okay?!”

“Don’t worry, hon.  Just humming along to ‘Bust a Move!’  …Says she wanna dance cuz she likes the groove.  So come on, fatso, and just bust a move…”

I was concerned that 36 weeks was too early, that I should do everything in my power to cook Baby Girl a little while longer, but Cousin Michelle assures me it’s all good at this point:  “If things are moving along, it means she’s ready to come out.”

Or, as my mom put it, “She must be a nosy little thing!”

Seriously, at your next office party, just try it as an ice-breaker:  “So… seen any good mucus plugs lately?”