A Father’s Day Message from Mr. Candy: The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy

For the, um, five or so men who read this site, and for the hubbies/partners/dads of the REST of you, I asked Mr. Candy to prepare a “Top Ten” list in honor of Father’s Day.  And Mr. Candy, as you’ll read, has wisely learned to indulge my requests during this hormonal time…

The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy
By Mr. Candy

On Father’s Day, my gift to all of you soon-to-be Daddies is the wisdom I gained, often at a painful price, of what NOT to do if you want to avoid getting smacked by your Baby Mama.

10. Never look at what seems to be a new maternity “shirt” and ask, “Didn’t you used to have a dress that looked like that?”

9. Never say “whoa!” when you see her in profile for the first time.

8. Never eat the last of the Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough Frozen Yogurt, especially if it is after the grocery store closes.

7. Never come home tipsy one evening after drinks with co-workers and say, “If only you were there to be the designated driver, I could have used the cab fare money for another martini!”

6. Never question why she needs an orange flavored Slurpee and a 1lb bag of Sour Patch Kids at 11:15pm on a Tuesday night, she just does.

5. Never make beeping noises when she backs up . . . never.   It’s just not a good idea.

4. Never share stories about how you were a 10lb, 8oz baby and your mother had 18 hours of labor, especially if you are laughing while you are doing it.

3. Never question if she will “fit” in the backseat of a car.

2. Never tell her she is hogging the covers and making it difficult for you to sleep at night.

And the #1 thing NOT to do is. . .

1. Never use the pronouns we, us, or our in reference to her being pregnant.

Happy Father’s Day Everyone!

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

6 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Good list, Mr. Candy! And yes, Mr. Cowgirl has done several of those and is lucky to have survived. He even used the term “thunder thighs” in reference to me once — after which his voice was a couple octaves higher due to my lightning quick reflexes. And my BOSS actually did the beeping thing to me at work… At least he wasn’t there when I got stuck in a bathroom stall (stupid inward-opening stall doors).

  • 5. Never make beeping noises when she backs up . . . never. It’s just not a good idea.

    i had really hoped this was a funny for the blog. he really did that? and you let him live? lucky man.

  • Yes, that one was just for laughs, helloandie. (The rest, all pretty much real.)

    Hope you responded to your boss’ beeping noises appropriately, Cowgirl. Perhaps by squirting toothpaste in his Oreos or placing a big ol’ stack of porn on his desk.

  • Actually, I attempted to heat up some tomato soup using the steaming wand on the espresso machine while my boss was standing right there telling me it wouldn’t work. He was right. And his nice white shirt was ruined by large quantities of flying tomato soup. It wasn’t intended as a direct response to the beeping noises, but it sufficed.