A Father’s Day Message from Mr. Candy: The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy
Jun 21, 2009 | Filed Under: Mr. Candy, Pregnancy Humor | Tags: Mr. Candy, Top 10 List
For the, um, five or so men who read this site, and for the hubbies/partners/dads of the REST of you, I asked Mr. Candy to prepare a “Top Ten” list in honor of Father’s Day. And Mr. Candy, as you’ll read, has wisely learned to indulge my requests during this hormonal time…
The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy
By Mr. Candy
On Father’s Day, my gift to all of you soon-to-be Daddies is the wisdom I gained, often at a painful price, of what NOT to do if you want to avoid getting smacked by your Baby Mama.
10. Never look at what seems to be a new maternity “shirt” and ask, “Didn’t you used to have a dress that looked like that?”
9. Never say “whoa!” when you see her in profile for the first time.
8. Never eat the last of the Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough Frozen Yogurt, especially if it is after the grocery store closes.
7. Never come home tipsy one evening after drinks with co-workers and say, “If only you were there to be the designated driver, I could have used the cab fare money for another martini!”
6. Never question why she needs an orange flavored Slurpee and a 1lb bag of Sour Patch Kids at 11:15pm on a Tuesday night, she just does.
5. Never make beeping noises when she backs up . . . never. It’s just not a good idea.
4. Never share stories about how you were a 10lb, 8oz baby and your mother had 18 hours of labor, especially if you are laughing while you are doing it.
3. Never question if she will “fit” in the backseat of a car.
2. Never tell her she is hogging the covers and making it difficult for you to sleep at night.
And the #1 thing NOT to do is. . .
1. Never use the pronouns we, us, or our in reference to her being pregnant.
Happy Father’s Day Everyone!
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Eize says:
Good luck to you and the expectant father, Candy.
June 21st, 2009 at 3:12 am -Gina from Oregon says:
Beeping noises?!?! No no no no no.
June 21st, 2009 at 10:06 am -Cowgirl in the Sand says:
Good list, Mr. Candy! And yes, Mr. Cowgirl has done several of those and is lucky to have survived. He even used the term “thunder thighs” in reference to me once — after which his voice was a couple octaves higher due to my lightning quick reflexes. And my BOSS actually did the beeping thing to me at work… At least he wasn’t there when I got stuck in a bathroom stall (stupid inward-opening stall doors).
June 21st, 2009 at 11:05 am -helloandie says:
5. Never make beeping noises when she backs up . . . never. It’s just not a good idea.
i had really hoped this was a funny for the blog. he really did that? and you let him live? lucky man.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 am -Candy says:
Yes, that one was just for laughs, helloandie. (The rest, all pretty much real.)
Hope you responded to your boss’ beeping noises appropriately, Cowgirl. Perhaps by squirting toothpaste in his Oreos or placing a big ol’ stack of porn on his desk.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:57 am -Cowgirl in the Sand says:
Actually, I attempted to heat up some tomato soup using the steaming wand on the espresso machine while my boss was standing right there telling me it wouldn’t work. He was right. And his nice white shirt was ruined by large quantities of flying tomato soup. It wasn’t intended as a direct response to the beeping noises, but it sufficed.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:24 am -