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He Said, She Said: Advice Column for Celebrity Offspring

Family & Parenting Humor

He Said, She Said: Advice Column for Celebrity Offspring

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He Said, She Said

Welcome to He Said, She Said, a column in which The Laughing Stork’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

Strange ladies are ALWAYS flirting with my daddy and telling him that he’s “hot.”  I offered to get him a glass of water if he’s so hot, but he just laughed and told me that’s not what they mean.

I don’t like how these silly women look at Dad when he takes his shirt off at the beach.  He belongs to my mom!  What should I do?

AvaJackman@aol.com

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TO AVAJACKMAN:

DAVID:   Sorry about that.  I’ll tell my mom to cut it out.

SHILOH:  I don’t see what the big deal is.  That’s how MY mommy and daddy got together!

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

I just got a new baby sister and hate that she’s getting ALL of the attention!  It used to be all about me, me, me!  Is it okay if I just sell her to somebody else?  Maybe to those weird men with cameras who live on our sidewalk?

V-Affleck@yahoo.com
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TO V-AFFLECK:

DAVID: You’re in luck!  My mom happens to be in the market for a new baby girl.  Just let us know how much she costs, and your PayPal address.

SHILOH:  You’re complaining about ONE lousy sister?  Get a grip, girl!  When you have to deal with a whole litter of siblings fighting for your parents’ attention, then come talk to me.  I’m lucky when MY mom remembers my name!

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

My mommy used to be a big star on “Full House,” but things aren’t so great now.  Daddy says she is drinking bad stuff and doing drugs again, and she is even being sued for not paying the fees on our house.

I’m so worried.  Is there anything I can do to help her?

JodieSweetinsDaughter@comcast.net
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TO JODIESWEETINSDAUGHTER:

DAVID:   How AWFUL and embarrassing!  … Your mom was on “Full House”?

SHILOH:   Whenever we’re having a rough time, we go to our $70-million, 35-bedroom chateau in France to relax.  It’s great.  You should totally get one, too!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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