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Married Couple Fined for Screaming Like Wild Banshees During Sex

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Married Couple Fined for Screaming Like Wild Banshees During Sex

The Cartwrights give us the sexy eye

Caroline and Steve Cartwright are apparently putting the big “O” back in matrimony with their loud-ass screams of passion — so much so, that they’ve received an ASBO (Anti-Social Behavior Order), a UK civil order banning Caroline from making too much noise when doing the wild thang with her husband from now on.

They should also be fined for EEPN (Excessively Elegant Plastic Nightstands).

The police received 25 (!) complaints about the couple making loud sexy time.  Even a partially deaf neighbor claimed she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the noise made by the couple.  Oh, lady, that’s what prank calls and stink bombs are for!

Or, um, ear plugs.

Environmental Health officers eventually decided to take action and wired a neighbor’s apartment with a recording device, which revealed Caroline was indeed polluting the air with her dirty mouth.  In addition to the ASBO — which I totally wish I could serve to my neighbor’s yappy chihuahuas — they were fined $300.

Caroline “The Screamer” Cartwright told the court she was not “making the noise on purpose,” adding that, “I can’t understand why people ask me to be quiet.  It’s normal to me.”

Hey, if I had a hunk o’ sexy man like that tickling ME with his porn ‘stache, I’m not so sure I could muffle my delight either.  Mmmm, mmmm.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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