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Candy’s Top 5 Ways to Calm a Crying Baby

Babies

Candy’s Top 5 Ways to Calm a Crying Baby

I’m just going to say it:  I do not look forward to sleepless, crying-filled nights.   Who would enjoy that?  I mean, hell, that’s probably why Samantha Ronson broke up with Lindsay Lohan.

In preparation for this inevitability, I checked out ABC News, which has five tips from Dr. Karp — an apparent Baby Whisperer — for soothing the savage baby:

1.  Swaddle the baby

2.  Lay the munchkin in  a side/stomach position

3.  Shush softly in the little one’s ear

4.  Swing the baby

5.  Encourage the crying culprit to suck on a pacifier

Hmmmm.  All fine suggestions, sure, but I believe Dr. Candy has even MORE effective tips for getting a colicky baby to sleep immediately:

1.  Pop “The English Patient” in the DVD player

2.  Introduce the baby to his new friend, Jack Daniels

3.  Ask an accountant to babysit

4.  Play the Al Gore Audio Books on CD collection

5.  Get the little one a job as a C-SPAN camera operator

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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