The Perils of Writing a Column
Between you and me, I felt rather good about myself in my Easter Sunday dress. Form-fitting enough to really showcase my bump, but also cute enough to make me feel like a stylish mama. No small feat six months into pregnancy.
I bounced — okay, waddled — down the stairs, prepared to welcome the compliments my husband surely would heap on me. Instead I was greeted by silence, a silence broken only by the tap-tap-tap of Mr. Candy’s fingers playing his favorite computer addiction, er… game. I, with absolutely no pride, made a point of “casually” hanging out by the TV, a place I knew his eyes would eventually land.
And… succcess! A wide smile crossed my hubby’s face.
“My shirt is perfect for Easter, isn’t it?” he asked, clearly impressed with himself.
Was this guy serious?
I continued to stand there, waiting. La-di-da. Now, I am not usually the kind of woman who seeks validation. The words “How does this make me look” have rarely, if ever, escaped my lips. But I AM A HORMONAL PREGNANT LADY WHOSE BODY IS CHANGING EVERY DAY, DAMMIT! It’s a weird thing to deal with. Wonderful, but weird. Just throw a few scraps of praise my way, please. Please? Sincerity not required. I even tried to help him out:
“My pink ribbon is very Easter-like, too, don’t you think?”
“Yes — AND you’re shaped like an Easter egg!”
Oh yes, he did. Followed by a guffaw. So I did the only thing I could, and scorched an Easter egg-sized hole into Mr. Candy’s head with my no-fail Laser Stare of Death.
“I’m kidding!” he insisted. “I just say these things for your column!”
Yeah, mmm-hmmm. Actually, my hubby is a kindhearted goofball and self-professed “laugh slut,” so I was inclined to believe him. Not laugh, but believe. However, it dawned on me that this column has — oy — bestowed Mr. Candy with a free pass to passively-aggressively lob insults and claim immunity because he’s “just helping me do my job.” I processed this development, thoughtfully rubbing my big belly, and said to myself:
“Huh. That’s pretty damn clever. Well-played, Mr. Candy. Well-played, indeed.”
That is, until this Easter Egg cracks!