Candy's Column
The Pregnancy News Reaction Awards
MOST UTTERLY DISAPPOINTING REACTION GOES TO…
Mr. Candy!
CANDY: So, honey, I took a pregnancy test today and — I’m pregnant!
MR. CANDY: Oh my God. (TURNS PALE) That’s scary.
MOST DRAMATIC RESPONSE IN A CRACKER BARREL RESTAURANT GOES TO…
Candy’s Mother-in-Law!
Candy’s MIL opens her Christmas card. An ultrasound picture falls out. A moment of silence, then:
CANDY’S MIL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Candy’s MIL jumps up from the table in the middle of the Cracker Barrel, hopping up and down and fighting back tears of joy. Other diners stare, then return to eating their Hickory Smoked Country Ham.
MOST BACKHANDED BEST WISHES FROM A READER GOES TO…
The reader who e-mailed THIS to me:
“Congratulations on/to/for your pregnant self. Because, I know, you would not have allowed yourself to become this unless you wanted to do this.”
Um, thanks?
REACTION THAT LEAST WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN GOES TO…
Candy’s Mom!
CANDY: (SITTING ON HER MOM’S BED) So… do you think you’d visit us in L.A. more often if you had a little grandchild out there?
CANDY’S MOM: [INSERT DUMB STARE HERE]
CANDY: (TEARS OF JOY STREAMING) I’m pregnant!
CANDY’S MOM: Huh? What? YOU — pregnant?!
CANDY: Yes. Me. Pregnant.
CANDY’S MOM: [INSERT DUMB STARE HERE]
RESPONDENT MOST LIKELY TO HAVE THE BABY NAMED AFTER HER IS…
The server at the Brandy Library bar/lounge in Tribeca!
Candy announces to her friends that she’s pregnant. Moments later, the server brings Candy free celebratory dessert and instantly becomes Candy’s Favorite Person Ever.
