Live-Blogging “The Wiggles”

Ed. note:  This is the author’s first time watching “The Wiggles.”  Due to some seemingly acid trip-induced dance routines featured in the program that will haunt you in your dreams, viewer discretion — and a strong drink — are advised.

8:31 a.m. — Whoa.  Clearly, good drugs were involved in the making of this opening.

:31 — I suspect these men have some lonely Friday nights at home with their cats.

:32 —  Why did the show just randomly slip into Spanish dialogue?  I’m confused enough, as it is.

:32 — This kid is about to kill his agent.

:36 — The princess kind of dances like I do after a few margaritas. Which is to say, not well.

:36 — Yeah, we get it.  She lived in a “big, high tower… big, high tower… big, high tower.”  Even the baby in my belly thinks it’s time for you to move on.

:37 — The princess slept for a hundred years?  Color me jealous.  I’d be happy with a hundred seconds these days.

:38 —  Is it just me, or does the “gallant prince” look like Screech from “Saved by the Bell?”  They sure don’t make gallant princes like they used to.

:39 — The prince wakes the princess with a kiss… on her hand.  After a hundred years of being asleep, I’m sure she was hoping for more action than that.

:41 — I really don’t think we should be assaulting young children’s ears with accordion music.

:42 — Okay, who wants to tell Dorothy the Dinosaur that the 1780s called, and they want their hat back?  (*FINGER TO NOSE*  Not it!)

:42 —  Dorothy talks about “who has the biggest feet.”  Somewhere, Paris Hilton’s ears are ringing.

:44 — All the dudes line up to see who has the biggest feet.  You know what they say about big feet… I call dibs on the winner.

:45 — … It’s this guy?  Um, never mind.

:45 — Poor Jeff has the smallest feet.  He really shouldn’t mention that on his Match.com profile.

:48 — Anthony asks us what he’s wearing.  A question we’ve all been asking ourselves.

:49 — Murray says he thinks Anthony is wearing ballet slippers — when he’s clearly wearing farmer’s boots.  Murray isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?  (What’s that?  Murray was joking?  Oh, hush.)

:50 — Anthony goes to plant some corn — which, as we all know, is an important ingredient in many tasty vodkas.  I knew Disney was full of lushes!

:52 — It’s “time to say good-bye.”  Until my kid is born, of course, and I’m forced to watch this show — I’m just estimating here — ten billion and four times.  Yay for me.  Really.  Yay.