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The Laughing Stork

Pregnancy Humor

Fun at Quiznos

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INT. QUIZNOS SUB SHOP — WEST HOLLYWOOD — DAY

ZOOM ON CANDY’S FOUR-AND-A-HALF-MONTH PREGNANT STOMACH, which growls loudly enough to throw local seismologists into a tizzy, then:

CANDY:

I’d like a small sandwich with just turkey, cheese and lettuce on wheat, please.

SANDWICH MAN:

So you want guacamole with that?

CANDY:

No.  Just turkey, cheese and lettuce.

SANDWICH MAN:

(AS HE GRABS A HANDFUL OF TOMATOES AND ONIONS)

What kind of cheese?

CANDY:

Mozzarella.  Um, I said ONLY turkey, cheese and lettuce?

SANDWICH MAN:

(AS HE ANGRILY DUMPS THE TOMATOES AND ONIONS IN THE TRASH)

Fine.  Cheddar cheese?

CANDY:

Mozz-a-rell-a.  JUST turkey.  Lettuce.  Mozzarella.

SANDWICH MAN furiously slices the bread, fantasizing that the wheat bun is CANDY’s head, then shoves the clearly complicated sandwich into the revolving oven.  CANDY anxiously awaits the arrival of her toasted sub on the other side of the oven, her stomach now growling vociferously enough to make the nearby Doberman Pinscher cower in fear.  Then Candy sees it — the unimaginable has happened:

CANDY:

OMIGOD, HOW DID I END UP WITH TOMATOES?!  I AM A HUNGRY PREGNANT CHICK WHO JUST WANTS A FREAKING TURKEY AND CHEESE SANDWICH, DAMMIT!

Well, either that, or Candy meekly paid for her tomato-laden sandwich and puttered home, where she lamely picked the tomatoes off her sandwich, cursed the Sandwich Man to her unsympathetic cats — and vowed to get pizza next time.

Mmmm… did somebody say pizza?  (What are YOU looking at?  It’s been a whole half hour since I’ve eaten.  And I am a HUNGRY PREGNANT CHICK, dammit!)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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