The Laughing Stork Guide: How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant
Feb 20, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy Humor | Tags: Guide, People Have Balls
From the moment the stick revealed two lines, I started mentally preparing myself for pregnancy and parenthood: from the ballooning belly to the unwelcome 3AM wake-up calls from Candy Junior. However, nothing has prepared me for one particularly startling development.
My boobs have suddenly become everybody’s business.
“So I assume you’re going to breastfeed,” one of Mr. Candy’s male friends casually inquired.
This dude may have been the first to ask about The State of My Breasts, but he has been far from the last — and I still have almost five months of pregnancy remaining. Which led me to thinking… how can I have some warped fun with these audacious people?
Thus, a new Laughing Stork Guide™ is born: How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant.
QUESTION: Are you breastfeeding?
ANSWER: Oh, no, thank you. I’m a vegetarian.
QUESTION: You’re not going to let yourself get too big, are you?
For male inquirers:
ANSWER: No, I plan to stay as small as possible. Like your penis.
For female inquirers:
ANSWER: No, I plan to stay as small as possible. Like your I.Q.
QUESTION: Do you want a boy or a girl?
QUESTION: How on earth can you raise children in the city?!
ANSWER: Like all other city parents have before us: by letting the kid play in the busy streets, making him grab a cab to pre-school, and hiring the homeless man in the park to be our manny. Duh.
QUESTION: I bet your husband hopes you’ll give him a son to carry on the family name, huh?
ANSWER: Not necessarily. Since we know you, we have more than enough dicks in our life.
QUESTION: Was your baby planned?
ANSWER: No, that asshole of a mailman told me he was fixed!
QUESTION: How much weight have you gained?
ANSWER: Enough to make your life pretty miserable when I sit on you.
Ed. note: Too polite?