The Laughing Stork Guide: How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant

Feb 20, 2009 | Filed Under: Pregnancy Humor | Tags: Guide, People Have Balls

From the moment the stick revealed two lines, I started mentally preparing myself for pregnancy and parenthood: from the ballooning belly to the unwelcome 3AM wake-up calls from Candy Junior. However, nothing has prepared me for one particularly startling development.

My boobs have suddenly become everybody’s business.

“So I assume you’re going to breastfeed,” one of Mr. Candy’s male friends casually inquired.

Um, what?

This dude may have been the first to ask about The State of My Breasts, but he has been far from the last — and I still have almost five months of pregnancy remaining. Which led me to thinking… how can I have some warped fun with these audacious people?

Thus, a new Laughing Stork Guide™ is born: How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant.

QUESTION: Are you breastfeeding?

ANSWER: Oh, no, thank you. I’m a vegetarian.

QUESTION: You’re not going to let yourself get too big, are you?

For male inquirers:

ANSWER: No, I plan to stay as small as possible. Like your penis.

For female inquirers:

ANSWER: No, I plan to stay as small as possible. Like your I.Q.

QUESTION: Do you want a boy or a girl?

ANSWER: Yes.

QUESTION: How on earth can you raise children in the city?!

ANSWER: Like all other city parents have before us: by letting the kid play in the busy streets, making him grab a cab to pre-school, and hiring the homeless man in the park to be our manny. Duh.

QUESTION: I bet your husband hopes you’ll give him a son to carry on the family name, huh?

ANSWER: Not necessarily. Since we know you, we have more than enough dicks in our life.

QUESTION: Was your baby planned?

ANSWER: No, that asshole of a mailman told me he was fixed!

QUESTION: How much weight have you gained?

ANSWER: Enough to make your life pretty miserable when I sit on you.

Ed. note: Too polite?

4 Comments

About Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

4 Responses to “The Laughing Stork Guide: How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant”

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Eize says:

Are you planning to breastfeed?

Ans: Yes; my hubby drew the short straw.
February 20th, 2009 at 9:44 pm - Reply
Gina from Oregon says:

This is funny! Nice site.
February 21st, 2009 at 10:05 am - Reply
Ashley says:

How about all the unsolicited advice? I’ve had people comment on everything from the one soda pop I drank today to what I should do with my cat (He will be staying Thank You Very Much!) My mother-in-law even suggested that I would want to stay with her for a least a week after the baby is born! Um, no, but thanks.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm - Reply
Candy says:

Amen to that, Ashley. Unsolicited advice is actually on my list of topics to tackle. Thanks for getting the ball rolling!
February 25th, 2009 at 10:16 pm - Reply