Kooky Hollywood Moms: Dina Lohan

Jul 24, 2007 | Filed Under: Satire | Tags: Ali Lohan, Celebrity Parents, Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan

Illustration by 14 at Gallery of the Absurd

Dina Lohan, mom-ager extraordinaire, is many things: an enabler; cleavage advocate; fame-seeker; imaginary Rockette; and, of course, white people’s answer to Oprah. But don’t you dare call her Lindsay’s mother. Dina tells Harper’s Bazaar she’s more like a sister to Lindsay – hitting the clubs with her and wearing her hand-me-downs – and sometimes introduces herself as her daughter’s personal assistant. She even once lied about her identity to none other than George Clooney.

“I don’t want them to know I’m her mom,” she said. “It’s a whole ‘nother demographic. People just go dark.”

Don’t worry, Dina! It’s our little secret.

No word on whether George took the cougar bait; however, Dina continues to take Hollywood by storm. The 44-year-old (ssshhh!) hasn’t let her daughter’s li’l DUI debacle or any semblance of maternal instincts diminish her love for the spotlight. Nope, the intermittently present mother figure has courageously forged ahead, using her daughter’s time in rehab to score tabloid interviews and some young tail. You go, girl!

In her quest for the “Mother…,” er… I mean “Big Sister of the Year” award, Dina has even found a way to make use of future meal tickets/VIP pass providers/rehab guests, Ali and Cody, a.k.a. Lindsay’s youngest siblings. (Did you really think “A Lohan Holiday” would be sufficient, Ali? I DON’T THINK SO. Momma needs a fame fix!) Yes, Dina has pitched a show to E!, a network with a known soft spot for drug-addled train wrecks.

“The cameras will follow me as I make myself, er… make my kids famous,” Dina suggested. Or something to that effect. The suits were no doubt intrigued. With any luck, the network executives likely thought, Lindsay’s two younger siblings will also self-destruct before the cameras while under the tender tutelage of their Mom-Ager. Ratings gold!

To those who question her tireless, offspring-driven search of a red carpet, Dina gives the one-finger salute. “I’m living the American dream, and [those who don’t like it] can go…” Dina told Harper’s Bazaar (before leaning back to bask in the reflected glow of her daughter’s sullied star).

Mother of the Year, indeed.

Illustrator and collaborator/partner in satirical crime: 14 at Gallery of the Absurd

Written by: Candy Kirby

1 Comment

About Candy

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. For more of Candy's nonsense, check out her personal Twitter, The Laughing Stork's Twitter and The Laughing Stork's Facebook page.

One Response to “Kooky Hollywood Moms: Dina Lohan”

Comments RSS

WendyBessette says:

I’m cracking up! I was just discussing this with my mom recently. Looking forward to seeing what he think about your post. Thanks for sharing your experience!
December 6th, 2010 at 1:07 am - Reply