Top 10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Husband

There are many things for which you simply cannot prepare when becoming a mother, one of which are the things that will escape your lips.  No, not things like DROOL, although that has certainly escaped and formed crust on my lips while nodding off in the midst of 3AM feeding sessions.  (Sexy, I know.)  I’m talking about words… crazy talk that, prior to having a baby, I never could have imagined saying.  Even now when I hear the words coming from my mouth, I’m like, “Who AM I?  Whose life is this?”

To wit:  This list of the Top 10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Husband.

10.  “Not now.  My boobs are leaking.”  (Lactation is the new headache.)

9.  “A date…?  Nah.  I’d rather stay in.”

8.  “Here — let me smell her butt.”

7.  “Maybe a Mommy & Me class WOULDN’T be so cheesy, after all!

6.  “I can’t wait till my breasts permanently deflate.”

5.  “I’m going to vacuum.”

4.  “Change the channel to SpongeBob.”

3.  “Is that poop on the wall?”

2.  “I need to feed her soon, so… MAKE MINE A VIRGIN.”

And the number one thing I never thought I’d say to my husband is:

1.  “Push harder…!  It should fit in my trunk.”