T-Minus Seven Days
Jan 19, 2010 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Musings | Tags: Daycare
Skye shamelessly lays a guilt trip on me by looking cute (Also: Teeth! Two of 'em!)
The official Daycare Countdown begins.
With every minute we inch closer to Skye entering daycare, I have a harder time choking back my guilt and absolute dread. Dread! ME! Me, who had screamed at her husband, “If I can’t find time to work when we have this baby, I am going to DIE!” (Yes, I did attend drama camp when I was younger, why do you ask?) Me, who was ready to strap a backpack on the kid and send her on her way when she was still a mere zygote. (Yes, there is such a thing as zygote-care, why do you ask?)
Me, who… to be honest, I’m not sure who “me” is anymore.
It’s not that becoming a mother has diminished my career aspirations. Not one bit. It’s just that my love for this child is even bigger than my love for, well, anything else. Yes, even my love for ice cream sandwiches! Even my love for my computer, with whom I’m quite certain I have a common-law marriage by now.
And, just like most marriages, Mr. Laptop and I have not been getting intimate as frequently now that a kid’s in the picture. Sure, we sneak in a late-night Tweeting session sometimes. Yeah, I’ll clean his hard drive. A google here. A keystroke there.
But we’re not nearly as hot-and-heavy as we were six months ago. That book I started to write when I was pregnant? Untouched since you-know-who had the audacity to enter our lives and distract me with her chunky baby thighs. I mean, who has time to work toward a life-long dream of becoming a published author when there are BABY THIGHS to munch on? Not to mention this Web site, for which I have big plans, but am forced to furtively update at midnight after Skye has finally succumbed to a deep sleep. (That kid is such a light sleeper, I swear she once woke up because she heard a pin drop in Siberia.) As for MY sleep… let’s just say the Starbucks barista and I have become total BFFs. An extra shot of espresso on the house for the crazy-looking mom with circles under her eyes! When I do manage to get a few minutes of shut-eye, I still can’t escape mommyhood; I often have nightmares about SLEEPING ON THE BABY. I wake up in a cold sweat, literally, yelling, “WHERE IS THE BABY? Am I on her? Is she under the pillow?” A very upsetting recurring dream, to which Mr. Candy comfortingly responds by grunting, “Huh?” and going back to sleep.
My laptop husband would never just dismiss my bad dreams like that.
So, yeah, daycare.
Great in concept. Intensely distressing in reality. I’ve already postponed daycare once, as I’d discussed months ago. And now that it’s imminent, WHOOEE, am I ever freaking out. I am one hot mess. Case in point: I just studied “WHOOEE” for a good ten minutes, wondering if that’s how WHOOEE is spelled. Should it be hyphenated? WHOOEE. Is there really a silent “w”? WHOOEE. Like it’s even a real word.
Who gives a flying you-know-what how it’s spelled? Someone who is losing her mind, THAT’S WHO(OEE)!
So, yeah, hot mess.
I can’t focus right now. I can’t stop worrying. I can’t talk about daycare without a giant lump entering my throat. I can’t help but feel like this child, this beautiful girl whose complete trust I’ve gained over the past five-and-a-half months, is going to think I’ve abandoned her. Or worse…! She’s going to like her daycare teachers BETTER THAN ME. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I am the baby of my family; hell, I’m sort of like an only child, with two siblings who are quite a bit older than I am. So it’s no surprise that I’m selfish. I loathe the thought of Skye reaching for THEM. Of her crawling for the first time while she is with THEM. I want her to be happy there, but not too happy. A reasonable request, I think.
Why do it then? Because Mr. Candy has been traveling a whole lot and GAWD do I miss writing. Like, really sitting down and writing. And exercising my brain. And sleeping. And — this is a big one — walking through a grocery store BY MYSELF. Oh, to buy a bunch of bananas without having to worry how the baby’s right sock disappeared…! How heavenly that would be.
I should clarify: We’re only talking about part-time daycare here. I am pretty much in the most ideal of situations, with the flexibility to put Skye in daycare as much or as little as I want. Many mothers, mothers who must work full-time to put food on the table, would kill to be in my situation. Yet here I am, sniffling away like Mel Gibson cut off at a bar. (Hey. Ricky Gervais started it.) I keep trying to remind myself of that, and to maintain perspective by remembering people with REAL problems, like the people of Haiti — but that only makes me want to hold Skye even tighter and never let go.
With tears in my eyes, I told Mr. Candy I plan to play it all by ear, that now that I’m a mother, I’m not sure if I can bear being away from our daughter — even if it means major career sacrifices. And Mr. Candy gently touched my arm and said:
“At least keep her in there for a month because we CAN’T GET OUR DEPOSIT BACK.”
(Okay, so he also reassured me that Skylar would make “baby friends” and have a great time, while I would get to recharge my batteries. But that’s not nearly as amusing… and I hate to let the facts get in the way of a good story.)
Fun challenge for the day: Casually work “WHOOEE” into conversation!
Sarah
says:
Ohh Candy it’s okay *virtual hug* Miss Skye will love it at day care, much more than you will, trust me. The only thing I can think of to say that might just help you get through this terribly guilt ridden time is: Have you had a shower longer than 7 minutes in the last 5 and 1/2 months? No? Now you can have one long enough to maybe even shave your legs!*Shock and awe!*
January 19th, 2010 at 6:57 am -Mette
says:
I’m sure Skye will make baby friends in no time! They always do – and faster than we think.
I know how hard it is for you in the beginning but I also know that you come to love it when you see how good it is for the girl to play with other her age.
Been there done that!
January 19th, 2010 at 7:24 am -Sheryl
says:
As you are driving around (by yourself) doing your errands, I can almost bet that you’ll be whipping your head around looking for her in her carseat. That’s what I remember most.
You’ll get through it. Everyone needs their “me” time.
January 19th, 2010 at 7:39 am -Cowgirl in the Sand
says:
Oh, I know this is a tough time. I was traumatized when I put my son in daycare for the first time and I burst into tears every time someone asked me how I was doing. But he was just fine and enjoyed being with other babies AND he learned lots just from watching the older babies doing things.
And like Sheryl said, I constantly whipped my head around in a panic, thinking I’d forgotten him when I was driving around alone. I still do it, actually.
Be strong, Mama. And cry if you want or need to. You’ll all (you, Mr. Candy and Skye) figure out what works best for your family and find your way there.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:01 pm -jewed
says:
@ Sheryl – aw, I’d forgotten about that
January 19th, 2010 at 6:16 pm -I kept thinking I had left something really important behind. Checked for purse,phone,wallet,keys … nope, it was just that my son had been glued to me up until that point!
Erin
says:
We found a great nanny to watch our 6 month old when I went back to work after he turned 8 weeks. We dont have family around as we live out of state and we LOVE our nanny. Needless to say, I do miss my monkey and in 4 weeks I plan on being a SAHM. Its not the guilt as it is the heart tugging longing I have for him as I sit in front of my computer all day dealing with morons. Ill be honest though, it wasnt as hard as I thought it would be.
January 19th, 2010 at 7:10 pm -Elaine @ 1st Babies
says:
I went six months before I gave up working to look after my baby. It got to the stage that I could see him responding to the child minder and I was missing out. We had no money but it was so worth given it all up to spend time with him I’m so glad I did. But, everybody is different
January 20th, 2010 at 7:19 am -Lucy Shea
says:
Daycare is optional! Enjoy your baby while you can.
January 20th, 2010 at 9:34 am -Deeva
says:
Part time help is perfect! Just enough time to do what you have to do and I bet you’ll enjoy your time with Miss Skye even more. Don’t sweat it mama. It will go great.
January 20th, 2010 at 2:36 pm -Nicole
says:
Carl and Brian are the same person.
January 21st, 2010 at 8:00 am -jewed
says:
You’ll do fine ,mama – you have new strengths you don’t even know you have yet (wow,that was some poor English!).I heard this poem on the Writer’s almanac on NPR yesterday,and I thought of you.
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:06 am -http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2010/01/21
Candy
says:
I appreciate your words of support and advice, everyone. Truly. We’ll see how it goes on Monday.
LOVE that poem, Jewed. Thank you for sharing it with me. Telepathy, indeed.
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:32 pm -