Oct 28, 2009
It’s My Meltdown, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
The smile that keeps me going
“How are you and Skylar doing?” the Starbucks barista asked today while handing my usual latte to me.
“Great!” I chirped too loudly, glad that my oversized sunglasses concealed the bags under my eyes. “Just… great.”
Nobody wants the truth to that question, of course. If I had burdened the barista with the truth — “My baby was up crying all night and so was I, and I fear I’ve ruined her good sleeping schedule FOREVER because of that damn trip back east, and OMIGOD…! I have the gnarled back of a 90-year-old man thanks to breastfeeding in all kinds of funky positions! Not to mention I am REALLY not pleased with the Robin/Barney pairing on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ or with my recent coaching decisions in Fantasy Football” — I’m pretty sure I would’ve ended up with two shots of Valium instead of espresso in my latte. That’s right! A Pumpkin Spice Valium-ccino! That is, if the barista hadn’t already tuned me out by the time I got to “baby was up crying…”
Now that I’m a mom, I feel like I’m under even more pressure to keep a smile plastered on my face, even when knee-deep in baby shit. Heaven forbid we should suggest that parenthood is anything but a blessing, that we’re buckling under the stress of it all. But you know what, folks?
I AM BUCKLING UNDER THE STRESS OF IT ALL!
In fact, I need to file a Missing Child Report. Because it appears we touched down in L.A. with a different child, a child who now gets up every two hours throughout the night, who refuses to sleep anywhere but in my arms, who no longer uses her thumb to self-soothe, who uses my breasts as a pacifier. My breasts are all, first you house us in those god-awful nursing bras and now THIS?! We quit! And when Miss Skye is NOT crying and begging to be picked up…? She is smiling and cooing in an almost unbearably adorable manner, making me almost forget about that endless 3AM feeding session.
I swear I’m getting played by a 12-week-old, people.
Logical Candy (Shut up! Yeah, there IS a Logical Candy, thankyouverymuch!) knows this is just a minor speed bump in the scheme of things. Skylar is readjusting after a chaotic trip. I need to suck it up. Hell, it’s only been a couple of days of this nonsense. However, Exhausted Candy wishes she could JUST HAVE A MINUTE TO POUR A BOWL OF FROSTED FLAKES, DAMMIT and has recently succumbed to a few mini-meltdowns. Yes! Tears have been shed!
You know what? It feels good to cry sometimes. Really good.
Giving in to the waterworks doesn’t mean I’m enjoying parenthood any less or jonesing for a Valium-ccino. It’s simply a release of frustration. And a lot of snot.
I’m not the only one who’s suffering. Mr. Candy has admitted that Miss Skye’s mommy obsession isn’t particularly good for his self-esteem. I feel so bad for the guy, bouncing and sweet-talking his screaming daughter who only wants what Mom can offer. I’ve even dressed her in one of the hundred “Daddy’s Little Sweetie” onesies that my mother-in-law bought, just to boost his spirits. Very big of me, I know.
On second thought, tomorrow I think I WILL tell the barista “I have the gnarled back of a 90-year-old man thanks to breastfeeding in all kinds of funky positions!” Hopefully the look on his face will finally make me feel like I’m getting my four dollars’ worth.
jaydens mommy
says:
i know how u feel
. my son is 21 months and has never slept through the night. screams for hours. gave up the pacifer at 8 months on his own. i work at 8am. looks like im baked every morning. lol lol. after a couple nights of crying im cryiong with him. his doctor says oh thats normal. my response “oh would u like to take him for a couple nights and see how normal it is”. lol. at least u have mr candy to help u. im a single mom. fun fun. lol. skye is such a cutie 
beautiful smile. the smile alwasy makes everything else disappear.
October 28th, 2009 at 5:25 am -Ailen
says:
I am going through the same thing right now! We took our 3+ month old on a business trip to Atlanta for a week and his 7-hours-of-sleep-at-a-time have turned into, 5, then 4, and last night…3. I think it’s payback for making him sleep in the unstylish hotel crib.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:41 am -Eize
says:
The barista should give you a free pastry while s/he’s at it, too.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:03 am -Cowgirl in the Sand
says:
Virtual hugs from another mom who totally understands how you feel. Don’t feel pressured to be smiley and chirpy and pretend that everything is easy. Taking care of a baby is HARD, and allowing yourself to admit that and take care of yourself doesn’t make you any less amazing of a mother. In fact, it makes you better.
And if it makes you feel any less alone, I spent Monday crying all day while my overtired baby screamed at the top of her lungs because she couldn’t/wouldn’t sleep. Yes, we’re using the modified “cry it out” method, where MOM cries until she’s drained.
And yes, this is a stage that Skye will grow out of. And once she settles back into a rhythm, she’ll change it again. This is the fun of babies…they keep us on our toes! Luckily we’re all nimble enough to handle it.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:33 am -momma puppet
says:
Keep telling yourself, “I am not alone.” You have many moms in your corner, rooting you on. This child rearing stuff aint no picnic, but, luckily, the good times far outway the difficult.
I have spent several nights rocking or pacing w/ my daughter in the middle of the night (usually when hubs is away on biz and there is absolutely no break in sight!), crying and repeating, “I can do this. This too shall pass. Many have done it before me and many will do it after me. I can do this. Tomorrow will be a better day…”
There is no shame in tears, frustration, anger, you name it. We love you!
October 28th, 2009 at 12:44 pm -Wordfiend
says:
Is she running a fever? Could be ear infection. Our eldest seemed to develop ear infections almost every time we traveled. I think it was because of the changes in air pressure and disrupted routines.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:01 pm -Candy
says:
You all rock. It’s reassuring to hear from others who have experienced similar frustration — and lived to tell the tale!
We wondered the same, Wordfiend, but no fever thankfully. Just an exhausted baby trying to readjust, I think. After I wrote this column last night/morning, she ended up sleeping through the night. Of course. Now we just need to work on those daytime naps…
xoxo,
Candy
October 28th, 2009 at 9:30 pm -Newb
says:
I remember one very cold winter morning (we lived in the middle of the country up in Canada with no family or friends close by)I was sitting in a chair in our living room watching my husband leave for work. My three month old daughter had been up half the night and I was coming down with the flu and literally felt like I could NOT manage an entire day with just her and I. He walked over to where I was sitting with tears silently streaming down my face, kissed me good bye and left for work. Just left us alone. No comment on my obvious state of distress.Just went to work like nothing was wrong. There is nothing in the world as hard as being a mother. That was 12 years ago and my feeling of being overwhelmed is just as clear now as it was then. Hang in there, Candy. This too will pass.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:06 am -Jess
says:
Yes, exactly. I had taken my son on a vacation which of course threw of his schedule. He was crying and screaming and wouldn’t stop…I was so tired and overwhelmed, I started crying, too. Luckily my mother used her supermom powers and managed to appear just at that moment to reassure me that he was fine and that’s what people call a tantrum. Whoops. Yeah, she was right. Hooray for grandmothers with amazing timing.
I have no magic fix for your crying baby, but I do know that the Mommy obsession is a phase. Then comes the Daddy obsession, then back to Mom, then by the time the kid is a teenager, he wants nothing to do with either of you.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:07 am -mama c-ta!
says:
the stress is stressful! but there’s no excuse for an ugly nursing bra – bella materna makes lovely ones as does honey milk, hot milk and cache coeur. evymama.ca is a good place to start browsing for pretty things. after all, the world health organization recommends breastfeeding beyond two years. who in their RIGHT MIND could go two years without a pretty bra?
October 29th, 2009 at 5:38 pm -