10 Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming a Mom

Sep 30, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Featured | Tags: Top 10 Lists

With Miss Skye turning two months old, I thought I would reflect on the past eight weeks of mommyhood and share my infinite wisdom with all the mamas-to-be out there with this List o’ Lessons Learned thus far:

Do you trust what this woman tells you? I didn't think so.

The woman imparting her pearls of wisdom. Do you trust her advice? I didn't think so.

10. There is no way to put this delicately: My vagina FREAKIN’ HURT after labor. People tell you how much contractions hurt. And how much labor hurts. But nobody tells you that the most pain often comes the days following labor. Or that a nurse has to accompany you to the bathroom and spray warm water on your vagina while you pee, so that your vagina does not fall off from the burning, overwhelming PAIN. Yes! It could fall off, it hurts that bad! In fact, you are in so much pain, that you do not even care that you are squatting on a toilet and spreading your legs for a stranger who must be thinking to herself, “How did I draw the short straw again? I became a nurse to help deliver babies. NOT to hose down this woman’s vagina with a squirt bottle.”

9. Your family does not care that you are in pain. They do not care about YOU. Because there is a NEWBORN in the room. All of that attention they lavished on you during your pregnancy? Done, over, finito. So don’t even bother trying to garner sympathy. Trust me, I tried everything from pouting to dramatically clutching my privates — it was an exercise in futility. The most I got out of my husband was, “What? Why do you look like that? Is something wrong with THE BABY?!”

8. Newborns sneeze a lot. Did you know this? I did not know this. Totally normal reflex, apparently.

7. It does not matter if you wrap your daughter in a pink blanket, stick her in a pink flowered stroller, and write “GIRL” on her forehead with Magic Marker — a stranger will still come up and say, “He is so cute.”

6. You know the amount of diapers you anticipated changing every day? Double that number. Then put a zero at the end. NOW you know what you will be facing.

5. Everybody and their dog advised me to “nap when she naps.” Yeah, um, okay. The only time that was really possible was during her first few days of life, when she slept like Gary Busey after an all-week bender. And I was high on Mommy Adrenaline, so I couldn’t sleep anyway. After that, Skye has slept a few minutes here, an hour there, making it virtually impossible to take a solid nap at the same time. My solution: a daily venti iced latte with three espresso shots. Yes, I nurse my child. No, the caffeine does not make her fussy or agitated. This is why I love her.

4. Remember how your husband didn’t fully “get” your postpartum pain? Well, that may explain why he will want to have sex before your six-week doctor’s checkup. And think that YOU are equally as eager. Delusional horndog, thy name is Hubby.

3. If people like your baby’s name, they will say so: “I LOVE that name!” If they don’t, they will either nod wordlessly or ask, “How did you come up with THAT?”

2. Breastfed babies can eat too much. I was told children who nurse only eat when they’re hungry. WRONG. My little one has eaten to the point of making herself vomit — not spit up, but vomit – a couple of times, making me realize that she was actually sucking out of bordeom and/or fatigue. I can now tell when she’s doing this because she appears restless while eating. And has the same look on her face that I do when Mr. Candy turns on ESPN SportsCenter.

1. As one who still stares at her child in awe for hours on end, I can confirm it’s true what they say: Parenthood really is the most amazing blessing we could ever have bestowed upon us. (Well, with the exception of an invisibility superpower that would enable us to escape speeding tickets and in-laws. That, we can all agree, would trump anything.)

11 Responses to “10 Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming a Mom”

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Cowgirl in the Sand says:

I LOVE this list. Of course (since I always have an opinion), I have some addenda:

“You will never fully understand/believe anything on this list until it happens to you, at which point you will slap yourself on the forehead and say, ‘Ah, yes…’”

Also, “You will find yourself staying up late at night to read blogs because it’s the only time you have to yourself and you cherish it, even if it means you will be even more exhausted in the morning.”

And, “A trip to the store by yourself is pretty much the most you can hope for as far as an exciting Friday night goes.”

And, “You may find yourself ready to hug/kiss/throw yourself at the grocery delivery guy out of sheer gratitude.” That one might not happen until you have two kids (especially if they are both under the age of 2). And what stops you from actually throwing yourself at the delivery guy is the fact that you most definitely do not want to risk having THREE kids.

Also (I’m not sure if you’ve experienced this yet): “If you are breastfeeding, the baby will sleep longer if you aren’t anywhere near her.” If my baby S is sleeping in the co-sleeper with just dad in the room, she’ll sleep for 5 hour stretches. The second I show up, she’s up and ready for some milk. And like yours, she will sometimes nurse until she projectile vomits all over me.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:02 am - Reply
Ashley Villegas says:

This is absolutely true. I can relate… it’s been a few years though. Get ready for the years when the words “No” and “Why” are used a lot!
September 30th, 2009 at 6:31 am - Reply
Gina from Oregon says:

nice hat, lol!!

something that surprised me-i thought breasts only leaked for a few days but they leak for months and always leak all over your shirt when you least want them to.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:19 pm - Reply
AussieGirl says:

You had someone spraying you?

Gee i’m jealous now you got pampered lol
September 30th, 2009 at 12:42 pm - Reply
Desiree Fawn says:

Haha, oh the spray bottle! How I remember!
I had my daughter at home, so I did all the spraying myself, but oh boy that pain — I will never forget it!
September 30th, 2009 at 2:43 pm - Reply
Candy says:

I was hoping some moms would add their two cents’, Cowgirl. I second all of those points — and have absolutely experienced the last one. Mr. Candy has a hard time understanding why I’m unable to much work done during the day because when HE watches Miss Skye, she naps for hours! Not so much when I’m around.
September 30th, 2009 at 4:20 pm - Reply
Mette says:

It’s the milk! I know it too and the little ones can smell it for miles!
October 1st, 2009 at 2:34 am - Reply
Lacey (Laptops to Lullabies) says:

What a sweet list! Uh … except the projectile vomiting. Eek.
October 1st, 2009 at 7:56 am - Reply
New Mom says:

I try to tell my husband that I can’t clean or unload the dishwasher because our 8 week old won’t sleep except in my arms. He doesn’t believe it because she will sleep anywhere he puts her down. Poor dad, in order of preference she likes 1) to be held by me, 2) the bassinett, and 3) to be held by dad.

I would also add that despite millions of years of evolution, some babies aren’t born knowing how to nurse.
October 1st, 2009 at 8:34 am - Reply
Jenn F. says:

This is fantastic. I love how you list all of the “less than pleasant” things that other people won’t talk about, and how everyone else here adds even more. I haven’t had kids yet (we just recently pulled the goalie and are now trying to get pregnant) and it’s fascinating to hear all of this. I want to know what I’m getting into, good and bad… thank you so much for sharing!
October 6th, 2009 at 9:17 am - Reply
Conchita Ramierez says:

Aye! Ms. Candy! I e-LOVE the hot vagina story — I can’t stop laugh! Thank you for referaal me to Mr. Chris and Mr. Jon. Baby cute, I clean up. xoxo “Conchita of La Jolla”
March 10th, 2010 at 11:03 am - Reply