Like a Milk Machine
Aug 31, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column
I have sat down in front of my computer with the intention to write this column no fewer than twenty-five-billion times today. Every damn time, I would first procrastinate by checking out my friends’ Facebook status updates — Carrie is eating zucchini blueberry bread, in case you were wondering — and then, just when I would finally THINK about actually stringing a sentence together, I would hear this:
*Suck fingers* *Suck fingers* *Suck fingers* “WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”
That would be my daughter letting me know it’s time to chow down. My sweet, precious, magical and MIND-BLOWINGLY RAVENOUS four-week-old daughter. My daughter who DOES. NOT. STOP. EATING. I swear, if we were to see life through Skylar’s point of view, à la Look Who’s Talking, I would just be one giant boob walking around. Only instead of using Roseanne’s voice, Skylar’s thoughts would be voiced by Charlie Sheen. Something tells me his point of view is eerily similar to a hungry newborn’s. Also because Roseanne has a voice made for silent films.
“Who, ME??”
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, twenty-five-billion is an awful lot of feedings. But it’s true: Skylar demands to be fed almost every hour during the day. Which equals…well, maybe not twenty-five-billion, exactly, but enough to get her in shape to challenge Joey Chestnut in the 2010 Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Although I am thankful Skye has a healthy appetite and I love the bonding time, I’m beginning to feel like Clara the Cow. Only smellier because my daughter’s insatiability rarely allows time for a shower.
Oh well. This is why God invented Handi Wipes. For new mothers with no time for luxuries like bathing.
“What is this ‘shower’ thing of which you speak?”
So I walk around our house, shirt perpetually half-open, because I know it’s just a matter of time before Skye will demand more. That used to be my husband’s dream — that I would walk around the house half-naked without a second thought — only I’m pretty sure his dream didn’t include a stained full-coverage nursing bra and baby stuck to my breast. Sex-ay.
Oh well. This is why God invented online porn. For disillusioned new fathers.
Erin
says:
The four-week mark was a rough week with my little guy too – around the clock nursing in one-hour intervals. It gets so much better though, I promise!
August 31st, 2009 at 11:55 am -jen
says:
Wow, I think she looks just like Carl! Congrats! We had sent her gift to your old address, and it got returned, so we have re-sent it–hopefully to the right place!
August 31st, 2009 at 12:22 pm -Candy
says:
That’s good to hear, Erin. As it is, I barely have a free moment to brush my hair — and it shows!
Yes, I can see the resemblance when she makes certain faces, Jen. Has my hair (for now… it’s falling out) and limbs, but that’s it. Carl and his mom don’t think she looks like either one of us. Time will tell. Thanks for re-sending the gift. I’m sure Skylar will love it.
August 31st, 2009 at 2:46 pm -Kmoney
says:
the bathing thing totally gets better! i have finally gotten to the point of daily showers and my kids are 20 months old!
….wait, that’s not good news, is it?
September 1st, 2009 at 8:34 am -Sheryl
says:
You look tired but you still look beautiful.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:46 pm -Alex
says:
Ha ha , I write with bub attached to my boob and there’s nothing else she wants to do after 6pm. Probably just like my husband. Freaks.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:59 am -