To Look or Not to Look, That is the Question
Jul 14, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column
When we took a tour of the hospital’s maternity ward, it became clear Mr. Candy and I had vastly different priorities.
“Look! The hospital gowns are actually sorta cute!” I smiled.
“Look! THERE IS NO SCREEN TO HIDE YOUR BABY-MAKER!” my hubby frowned.
Yes, apparently Mr. Candy had assumed there would be a screen to protect his eyes from wandering in the direction of the Danger Zone. That is, the zone where my once-mystical vagina transforms into a giant baby porthole. The zone, that if crossed, could potentially ruin our sex life FOREVER. And if that sex life-saving screen also happened to have ESPN SportsCenter playing on it, all the better.
Mr. Candy was, I could tell, devastated. And I couldn’t blame him. I’m sure the urge to look is strong — sort of like Rosie O’Donnell mooning Kathy Griffin on last night’s “My Life on the D-List.” You know you shouldn’t look. And will probably be scarred if you look. Yet a morbid fascination makes you peek through your fingers to see just how blindingly white those cheeks of hers are. (Answer: I’m still seeing spots.)
Whenever I watch “Deliver Me” — a baby show on Discovery Health with which I am OBSESSED — I always scream at the fathers: “For the love of God, are you insane?! Don’t look down there!” Oddly, they don’t seem to hear me. Because they almost always do. Some handle it like a champ. Others… not so much. They grow even whiter than Rosie O’Donnell’s butt cheeks. Which, as any medical book will tell you, is not a good sign. (Refer to the condition: Rosie O’Donnell Butt Cheekitis.)
My cousin — also known as Cousin Michelle the Labor & Delivery Nurse — says that peeking may not only hamper parents’ sex lives, but also provide much laughter for the doctors and nurses for years to come. Cousin Michelle called me from the hospital the other day to share some stories, after she and a fellow L&D nurse had been reminiscing about the times fathers have passed out in the delivery room.
One dad made the mistake of watching them insert the epidural and fell backwards, cracking his head and missing the entire delivery. Another was too embarrassed to let them know he was feeling woozy, so he ran to the bathroom, locked the door and promptly passed out on the floor — so they had to call Security to get him the hell out of there.
“Oh shit,” he sighed when he came to and saw the sea of nurses and security guards looking down at him, smelling salts in-hand.
While Cousin Michelle and I were snorting with laughter — yes, we snort… a charming family trait I will undoubtedly pass on to Baby Girl — Cousin Michelle composed herself long enough to somberly note, “Dads should really tell us if they’re feeling faint.”
Maybe a distracting ESPN SportsCenter screen isn’t such a bad idea, after all.
helloandie
says:
hey – if it makes him feel *ANY* better, my husband looked, and saw… it… tear. yeah. the part that should make him feel better is that he has no real recollection of it. he remembers that it happened, he knows he looked, but his brain mercifully blocked the image completely from his memory.
not mine though. :/ luckily that epidural did its job well.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pm -Candy
says:
The brain is good like that (as are epidurals!).
Of course, I know a guy who looked and claimed he was forever “ruined” for sex — and he and his wife ended up having two more kids. So he couldn’t have been all THAT ruined.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:29 pm -midevil
says:
I remember being in labour and they asked if I wanted my glasses so I could watch. My response was No Thank You.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:09 pm -