Jul 1, 2009
The F-Word
Pretty much any topic becomes fair game when you’re pregnant. Topics you wouldn’t have dared to touch without the assistance of a pitcher of margaritas suddenly become appropriate dinner conversation:
“Hey, honey! I peed my pants when I sneezed at the dry cleaner’s today!”
“That’s nice. How are the hemorrhoids coming along?”
“Active, thanks for asking! Oh, would ya pass the salt? It’s next to that box of butt paste…”
Any topic, that is, except the F-word: fear.
After Brooke Shields’ seemingly welcomed candor about her struggle with postpartum depression, I’d assumed the doors to honest conversation about parenthood finally had been propped open. An assumption that comforted me because I’ve inherited what I like to call my mom’s “upbeat realism” gene. Pollyannas, we are not. As realists, we generally see it and call it like it is — cushioned with a hearty dose of humor to ease any stinging. Or at least we’d like to think.
It’s probably because of this outlook that I was never in any hurry to have children. Nor was Mr. Candy. We have had a fabulous life, a fabulous marriage. Mere babes when we met right out of college — Mr. Candy stole my heart when we met at a party in New York City and he rightfully accused me of drinking “pussy juice,” a.k.a. Baileys (true story) — we’ve been together ever since, for 12 freakin’ years. Partying, working, traveling, sleeping in on the weekends: a damn good life.
So of COURSE I have fears about how a baby will change our lives. How she will shift the dynamic in our marriage. How I will balance work with family. How we can no longer hop on a plane to Vegas whenever we want. How my husband and best friend is now going to be a father, first and foremost. How I am going to be a mother, first and foremost. And it’s only normal to have and voice those fears, right?
… Right?
Um, yeah, apparently not so much.
“Scared?! What is there to be SCARED of?” my mother-in-law demanded to know when I mentioned I was excited about and, yes, scared of imminent mommyhood.
“Well, labor for one. And the whole lifestyle change…”
“No, no, no. It’s ALL wonderful! Every single way the baby changes your life is for the better,” exclaimed the MIL, presumably while adjusting her rose-colored glasses.
I know it was her well-meaning intention to reassure me, but I gotta tell you, that conversation really bummed me out. Hell, I may have even shed a few hormone-fueled tears in bed that night. Are my fears abnormal? Did voicing them make people think I wasn’t thrilled about becoming a mother? Because I am. Thrilled, that is. My fears do not diminish the truly overwhelming love I already have for this little girl. Love that makes me choke up at the sight of butt paste. BUTT PASTE, for crying out loud! So why are people making me feel guilty for admitting I’m also a little scared, especially when studies show that, for ninety percent of couples, marital bliss dives within a year after the birth of their first child?
Oh, what I wouldn’t have given for some “pussy juice” right then.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had someone white-wash what I believe are totally reasonable and REALISTIC fears. Pregnancy weight? No problem! It will shed right off! My marriage? Will be better than ever! It was shallow and meaningless without a baby! My dreams and career? Won’t matter so much with a baby in your life!
*SIGH*
All I can say is, thank goodness for Mama Kirby.
“Am I weird, Mom, for worrying?”
“You’re weird, all right. But not because of this.”
“Having kids…?”
“Will be TOUGH on your marriage. More stress, more fights. No doubt.”
Which makes me smile with relief. Exactly what I needed to hear. Because Mom is right: I really am weird.
Cowgirl in the Sand
says:
Those fears are totally normal. And realistic. And you should NOT feel like you aren’t being a good mommy if you find that you are having a tough time with the transition.
I had a HORRIBLE time getting used to this new role of “mommy” — even though I loved my new baby to pieces. Those are two separate things, and should not be combined into one guilt-trip inducing package. It’s not easy to go from someone who is independent, self-sufficient, “professional”, etc to someone who spends 24 hrs/day second-guessing whether or not she’s doing a good job taking care of a helpless newborn. I had to completely redefine my identity, and it took awhile for me to figure out how to fit both the “old” me and “new” me together. (Actually, I haven’t really gotten it figured out yet…but I know it will come.) And this is all just my trauma with my OWN identity…I haven’t even started to talk about the changes in my marriage! Nor the fears I’m facing now, as we are about to have our second child and I feel like I am somehow betraying our older son by bringing another child into the mix.
But don’t worry, the fear is normal and I think even HEALTHY — it means you are thinking clearly about things. And even though there will be a lot of changes (and yes, some of them will be really hard), in the end it really is pretty amazing where you find yourself. Your perspective changes and you find yourself amazed at how much sheer bliss you can feel about the miracle that is the family you’ve created.
OK, my pregnancy hormones are kicking in and I’m going to get weepy. Gotta go eat some ice cream.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:49 pm -Rebecca
says:
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AWESOME MILEAGE!
Second, for the first year you’ll probably be too sleep deprived to worry about any of the above problems.
And above all, you will both be yourselves. I believe very strongly that Candace (YAY, I CAN SPELL!) will still be the intelligent, fun and lovely Candace/Candy we all know, now starring in her new big role as a mother. Replacing your whole life with a child is not the best thing to happen to any couple or child. Come on, that’s an adventure!
Big hug to you!
July 1st, 2009 at 2:01 pm -You can do it
(that’s probably the corniest comment I’ve posted – I just couldn’t help it when I read that note)
Jeannie Anderson
says:
Excellent post. You’d be weirder (and in denial) if you weren’t afraid. Babies are scary. They cry and puke and will pee on you in a heartbeat. And watch em in the tub; they’re slippery little boogers.
I just caught on your heading, by the way, that your name is Candace. And all this time I was thinking Mr. Candy was a kinky name for your hubby. That just goes to show where my mind is.
July 1st, 2009 at 4:51 pm -rachiesparrow
says:
I’m scared too. Who wouldn’t be? You’d have to be crazy to think it was all going to be kittens and puppies. How weird that people are so worried when you voice something not of the ‘I’m so thrilled I’m going to be a mum, I may pee my pants’ variety. Do expressions of worry remind them of the times they wished to god they’d never seen a penis?
At least your daughter will have a mother with a sense of humour, who has her head screwed on straight, rather than one who lives in cloud cuckoo land. Lucky girl.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:53 am -helloandie
says:
of course you’re scared. it’s freakin’ scary! and of course your mom is right. it is hard. on your marriage, your figure, your sanity.. but i tell you, i’ve been reading your various blogs for like, 2 years now and you’re going to kick ass at being a parent.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:40 am -and the older they get the easier it gets.
Candy
says:
Your comments are greatly appreciated, guys. As you know, I generally keep my writing lighthearted on this site, but sometimes I find it to be cathartic, as well.
Finally, an open dialogue — VERY good for the soul!
xoxo,
Mama Candy
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:40 pm -midevil
says:
If there was no fear, I’d be worried! A healthy dose of it helps you realize you’re doing good!
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:12 pm -Jenn F.
says:
I think that generally speaking, change is scary in life, no matter the cause… and having a baby is one of the biggest changes that someone can go through. The anticipation is killing you, and you just have to get there. As for how marriages are affected, it seems like a lot of couples bicker a bit in that first year of the first baby… because they’re both adjusting to the profound change in their life. Candy, you’ve got a killer sense of humour and it’s the main thing that’s going to get you through all of this easily. Well, that and Mr. Candy’s sense of humour too.
Life as it’s been is just going to morph into something somewhat different… and you’ll still have some of the old, as well as some of the new mixed in. You’re going to be really, really happy. How do I know? Because you’ve got a good solid foundation of a marriage with which to launch your family and you’ve got a fantastic attitude.
All that aside, share your fears! Get them out! You know you’ll always find validation here. We’re on your side.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:38 pm -Jenna
says:
Actually, they did a scientific study and found that expectant mothers who had NO fears or worries were the most likely to suffer terrible PPD.
July 11th, 2009 at 3:33 pm -I think that when reality hit and motherhood was not always a bed of roses they were truly shocked. (who ARE these people?) You are so right to have concerns and worries AND to talk about them. You and I will never get the truth from our mother-in-laws—-they are angling for six grandkids to brag about! Pay no attention…..