34 Weeks

Jun 17, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Featured | Tags: 34 Weeks, Getting There

Mr. Candy is on a business trip in China — he plans to stock up on the REALLY cheap baby formula while he’s there! — so I had no choice but to take this CrapCam photo of myself in the mirror last night to mark my 34-week milestone.

Look out, Annie Leibovitz!

The big 3-4 is the “Magic Week,” according to my cousin who’s a labor and delivery nurse, because Baby Girl has, like, a 99% chance of survival if she decides to make her debut now. Which is reassuring news. However, I call this the “Stick-a-Fork-in-Me Week,” because I am officially done with this pregnancy. My so-called glow has been replaced with a tired scowl as I struggle to lug around, and sleep with, the 17-pound pot roast attached to my middle.

Screw carrying around hard-boiled eggs — schools should make teenagers strap a frozen turkey to their stomachs for two months! Now that would be an effective form of birth control. As would mandatory viewings of Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Did I mention we live in a four-floor townhouse? Oh yes, yes, we do. At first I was all, the stairs will keep me in shape! This is GREAT! Now I’m all, oh, the toilet paper is in the third-floor bathroom? Screw it. I’ll just use this Target receipt I see in the wastebasket.

Aside from the first four months o’ hell, which I have repressed, I’ve actually had a pretty fantastic pregnancy. (Knock on wood. Toss salt over shoulder. Stick foot up rear of neighbor’s mean, yappy Chihuahua. Gently, of course. *AHEM*) I had a ton of energy up until Week 32 or so AND I haven’t gained the equivalent of an Olsen Twin, much to my surprise. In fact, the doctor recently encouraged me to “indulge more,” which, as I keep telling people, is the best thing I’ve heard since Bell Biv DeVoe announced their reunion tour. So indulging, I am. I’m also beyond eager to hold Baby Girl for the first time and see if she has my eyes. Or Mr. Candy’s nose? Or the gardener’s sultry smile?

Any of those are possible.

14 Responses to “34 Weeks”

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Ron says:

OH! Aint you adorable! I can’t wait for my fiance to be pregnant!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:02 pm - Reply
J-Force says:

If you think you’re fed up now, wait till you pass your due date. Every day after that will feel as long as the nine months that preceded it. Not that I’m trying to encourage you or anything. Go Candy!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:16 pm - Reply
lainey says:

very cute!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:39 pm - Reply
Cowgirl in the Sand says:

You look great! And congrats on reaching the magic week! I can’t even imagine J-Force’s scenario…and I hope that neither you or I will ever have to experience it! I’m only 32 weeks along, but I’ve already hit the stick-a-fork-in-me stage.

Last time I remember waking up when I was 36 weeks and I realized the baby had dropped because I was trying desperately to keep a bowling ball from falling out of my crotch. I thought, “I will NEVER last another month like this.” I was right (I went into labor that evening), but I know lots of women do last a month and longer. And I am in awe of them.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:41 pm - Reply
Candy says:

Thanks, guys!

I was a month late — something doctors would never allow now — and my mom describes that extra month as “Hell on Earth” or something equally delightful.

That bowling bowl analogy is going to haunt me tonight.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:48 pm - Reply
helloandie says:

you know, that all sounds so familiar. for me the first 3 months were awful. sick all the damn time. the last 2 months were worse. i often envisioned little cracks forming in the bones that make up my spine. i mean, how could it not be causing serious damage when it HURT SO BAD?

5 years later and i still haven’t gotten the “baby fever” my mother assured me i’d get. one pregnancy was enough for me!
June 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm - Reply
stell says:

You look great, Candy!
And I love the fact that you didn’t do the nursery in pink.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm - Reply
14 says:

Candy – you look so happy! I dig the baby’s room too. Good on you for choosing dragonflies and green instead of bears and pink.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:27 pm - Reply
Rebecca says:

Well, hello pretty momma! You really look great.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:37 pm - Reply
Gina from Oregon says:

You must be tall cuz you carry it really well. I looked more like The Penguin when I was pregnant!!
June 17th, 2009 at 9:17 pm - Reply
Eize says:

You look great!

And I’m looking carefully at the reflection behind you–is that a kitty in the crib, or do I need glasses?
June 18th, 2009 at 4:23 am - Reply
Candy says:

Must be a kitty mirage, Eize! They’ve actually been behaving themselves lately.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:10 am - Reply
Eize says:

Shoot–I see mirage kitties!!!
June 18th, 2009 at 11:05 pm - Reply
Mike says:

I had to say that you do look great. I hope the baby would be fine.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:13 am - Reply