All’s Fair in Parking and Pregnancy

Feb 26, 2009 | Filed Under: Candy's Column,Pregnancy | Tags: Personal

I drove all the way — yes, all 12 miles — to Sherman Oaks today for my Maternity Clothes Shopping Premiere, because the only maternity clothes available in West Hollywood are $100 fitted tees announcing “My lovely baby bump” with the requisite arrow splashed out in rhinestones. And I am just not precious (or rich) enough for that kind of t-shirt. Even though my body is not yet in prime maternity wardrobe shape — onlookers are more likely to assume I’m ready to give birth to a six-pack of Heineken than a bouncing baby girl at this point in my pregnancy — I just feel like I need to have those maternity pieces in my closet for that moment the button on my regular jeans finally says, “GIVE IT UP ALREADY, WOMAN!” and pops off in search of a less stressful life of unemployment under my bed.

Not to mention I desperately wanted to walk around the mall with my A Pea in the Pod shopping bag, so that passersby could finally make the connection that I am 18 weeks pregnant with child, and not with beer. Because, you know, I’m sure EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD is wondering. Yes, it’s true. Everybody.

‘Round and ’round I went in that damn shopping mall parking lot looking for a space, blindly following an army of other drivers who steadfastly REFUSED to park on the second or third levels. ‘Cause heaven forbid our lazy asses should have to walk more than ten steps to the mall entrance in the gawd awful 70-degree L.A. weather. After a while, The Search almost become a competition. Like, if THOSE drivers aren’t willing to park in the second-tier spaces, hell if I will either!

Then I saw it. It beckoned to me. But did I dare? I couldn’t tear my eyes away:

Did I dare?

I know, I know… those spots are meant for, like, really pregnant chicks. Really, really. As in, so-pregnant-they-could-end up-delivering-in-front-of-the-Wetzel’s-Pretzels-stand-pregnant (SPTCEUDIFOTWPSP). And yet, I felt like I’d paid my pregnant lady dues. I was so nauseous during my first trimester, a mere whiff of Hubba Bubba brought me to my knees. My breasts feel like water balloons. I now suffer from a lovely thing called pregnancy rhinitis, which gives me a good, oh, two-to-three hours of sleep a night. I AM A ZOMBIE LADY WITH WATER BALLOON BOOBIES BECAUSE OF THIS BABY, DAMMIT! DO I NOT DESERVE THE SAME PARKING SPACE RIGHTS AS A WADDLING NINE-MONTH-PREGNANT LADY WHO, I MIGHT ADD, IS NOT EVEN USING THIS SPACE RIGHT NOW?!

You’re right. I don’t. But I took it, anyway.

Appalled by my behavior? You’ll be happy to know that not even fifteen minutes later I was using the restroom facilities — when am I not these days? — when a fellow bathroom goer slammed her stall door, causing my hastily locked door to FLY WIDE OPEN and expose part of my fat pregnant belly and unmentionables (I was wearing a dress, thankyouverymuch) to a line of unimpressed ladies waiting outside.

Yes, I’m sure they assumed it was a beer gut. And, yes, Karma is still cackling.

But at least I only had to walk ten steps. Suckas!

9 Responses to “All’s Fair in Parking and Pregnancy”

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Gina from Oregon says:

You are a really good and funny writer. Keep up the good work!

Your newest fan,

Gina
February 27th, 2009 at 1:43 pm - Reply
Ron says:

When did I miss the “I’m Pregnant” announcement? Congrats!
February 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pm - Reply
Dr. L. says:

LOL! My newest bookmark!
February 27th, 2009 at 3:16 pm - Reply
kathleen says:

i’m sure both nicole kidman and katie cruise parked in those spots…and really, candy, are they any more deserving than you?! i think not.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:29 pm - Reply
Debutante says:

Candy – Just remember, NOBODY deserved that parking spot more than yourself !! And if you’re 4 1/2 mos. pregnant and still wearing your regular clothes, that’s pretty great !
February 28th, 2009 at 6:05 am - Reply
Candy says:

Thanks, Gina, Ron and Dr. L.

Kathleen and Debutante, you are bad influences and enablers! This is why I adore you.

The end is nearing, Debutante: my jeans are getting so tight, that I have to unbutton them whenever I get in the car. Mr. Candy is aghast. And yet maternity clothes just sag where the cute baby bump is supposed to be. It’s a sad state of wardrobe affairs.

Did I just say “baby bump?” Oy.

xoxo,

Mama Candy
February 28th, 2009 at 11:59 am - Reply
Annie Nonymous says:

Congratulations Candy! Here’s a bit of unsolicited [of course] advice: Buy one of those yellow “Baby on Board” signs for the back window; because after all, it is true. Then, I kept the car seat in until she went off to college, so if there were no other spaces I still had an option. OK gross exaggeration but in total honesty, I did cave to the spaces once or twice while we did still have the car seat and I was sans enfant…. Enjoy this time!
Annie
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 am - Reply
J-Force says:

I used the parking spot for ‘parents with children’ this weekend, for the very first time. Holy crap, that felt great! Especially since it was raining cats and dogs, heh.
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm - Reply
Pencils says:

Hey, if you’re pregnant, you can park there. There were plenty of times in my early-to-mid pregnancy that I felt a LOT worse than I did a at that end. Yeah, I was huge and tired at the end, but at least I wasn’t nauseated and vomiting.

The other day when it was cold and windy and raining I seriously thought about keying a car parked in the “customer with infant” spot a at the supermarket because it didn’t have a carseat in it. I had to park at the back and my baby got cold rain in her face even though I pulled down the little shield thing on her carseat.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am - Reply