“Modern Family” Wisdom: 10 Phil-isms to Live By

phil-modern-familyIt’s that time of year when we welcome the best season of all; I am, of course, talking about the Fall TV season.  Woo-hoo!  To get us properly excited about tonight’s premiere of one of my favorite shows, Modern Family, I’ve rounded up the top 10 “Phil-isms” to live by:

 

  1. “Always keep the rhythm in your feet and a little party in your shoulders.”
  2. “When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like ‘Whaaat?!’”
  3. “If you love something, set it free… unless it’s a tiger.”
  4. “I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I’m one of them. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up a stripper.”
  5. “I’ve always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, I’ve succeeded as a dad.”
  6. “The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you, if you just lower your expectations”
  7. “Claire likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution.’ But, I happen to believe you can be both.”
  8. “I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah I am pretty much not afraid of anything.”
  9. “Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind. Just say ‘I’m looking you in the eye.’”
  10. “A Realtor’s just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere. But not me. I’m completely clueless.”

Texts from My Cats

It’s the question every kitty parent asks herself at some point:  Are my cats mature enough — and responsible enough — to have their own cell phone?  Well, Mr. Candy and I finally caved to the cats’ increasingly adamant demands and bought them a joint phone, in hopes that learning how to share such a device will also teach them how to better share their nightly Meow Mix.  (Yeah, right.)

I’ve decided to share the texts I receive from those crazy cats (lack of opposable thumbs, be damned!) in a column I’ve creatively named, “Texts from My Cats.”  Here is the first of many:

 

Laughing Stork Babies of the Week

Thanks to all of the readers who submitted pictures of their adorable little ones!  (And to the lone man who submitted his photo with the caption “Hi”…I, um, think you may have mistaken my site for Tinder.)  Loyal Laughing Stork followers know I love me some baby pictures with funny captions, so without further ado, here are the LAUGHING STORK BABIES OF THE WEEK.

From reader Sydney who says, “When somebody eats the last piece of leftover cake.”

Watching cartoons on TV LIKE A BOSS.  (Photo courtesy of reader Crystal.)

“Sorry, Mom and Dad — no time for Peek-a-Boo.  Gotta work on some coding for NASA first…”  (From reader Japhet.)

Talk about a backseat driver.  (From Laughing Stork reader Krishnie.)

double-chin

“Double chin!” writes reader E. French.  (Ed. note:  Is this also Baby’s First Selfie?)

Have a funny picture to share?  Be sure to submit it here!

9-Months-Pregnant Woman Chases Mugger Then Delivers — and More Top News

Nine-months-pregnant woman chases after her mugger in grocery store parking lot — then delivers her baby
Do not try this labor induction technique at home, ladies.

Mama June and Sugar Bear separate after she catches him cheating on a dating site
Which is weird because he always looks so HAPPY.

mysteries-of-laura

Debra Messing’s “The Mysteries of Laura” is called the “worst new show of the fall TV season”
At least they have a clever tagline.  *Ahem*

jessica-simpson-kids

Jessica Simpson says she is “done” having kids
And, according to this handy chart, she really is!

The lines to get a new iPhone 6 are unsurprisingly INSANE
Unless it emits a shock wave to people who send mass texts, I think I’ll hold off

Best. Makeover. Ever.

I’m not usually a fan of “ambush” makeovers — Hey, you!  You look terrible!  Let us tone down your hideousness! — but this one on Kathie Lee and Hoda made me a little weepy, I’ve got to admit.  (And, no, I wasn’t drinking wine along with Kathie Lee and Hoda.  Yet.)  Check out this 77-year-old woman, who was visiting the TODAY show Plaza with her sweet husband of 59 years, when she finally gets a load of herself after a three-hour pampering session…

BEFORE:

AFTER (She’s the second makeover.  BE PATIENT, as my three-year-old always tells me while I grumble about a video not loading on the iPad):

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“I look like a movie star!” she excitedly told Hoda. Meanwhile, her husband looked on with tears, as did Kathie Lee and everyone else.

Everyone together now: awwww.

The Physics of Curly Hair

They say men like long hair, but “they” clearly have not polled my husband.  That’s right; Mr. Candy has a thing for shorter hair and, back when we first met — WAY back when there was no running water or Twitter — I did indeed have shorter hair.  Apparently, this is how I lured him in.  Well, that plus my dazzling ability to shotgun a beer.  (Remember:  we didn’t have The Twitter to entertain us back then.)  Then, once I had him hooked, I pulled the ol’ bait-and-switch by growing my hair long and pretty much keeping it that way, give or take a couple of inches, for the next 17 years.

SUCKA!

Now, Mr. Candy doesn’t typically give beauty advice or imply he would like me to look like any other way but how I currently look.  Wise man.  In fact, I am on the receiving end (pun intended) of many admiring butt squeezes from him on a daily basis, whether I want them or not.  But the other day, he did suggest something… unwise.

“What if you cut your hair up to here?” he asked innocently, his hand karate-chopping my hair at chin-length.

I replied as any reasonable wife would:

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?!”

It’s not that I don’t like short hair.  I would love to rock a pixie cut or pull off an adorable bob.  However, you have to understand, I have very thick, wavy hair.  And we recently moved to the beach.  THE BEACH, PEOPLE.  WITH BEACH AIR.  This means I must approach my hair like a grenade — don’t make any sudden movements or it will EXPLODE.

My fellow curly-haired ladies know what I’m talking about.  Mr. Candy apparently does not, so I have created a helpful and incredibly scientific equation for him:

 Time further explains:

The investigators concluded that the biggest variable curly hair has to reckon with is weight. The longer a hair grows, the more of a burden the bottom of the shaft must carry until the strand as a whole topples over. Straight hair lays flat after that, becoming what the investigators call a 2-D hook, since it effectively moves in just two dimensions, front to back or side to side. A hair with an innate curliness to it is only beginning its adventure in multi-directional physics. If your curly hair is relatively short, each strand forms what the researchers call a 3-D local helix—growing up, down, swooping in at angles, doubling back on itself. If the hair extends the length of the head or beyond (Brave, we’re looking at you again), it’s called a 3-D global helix, and its behavior, accordingly, becomes more complex.

Which is, um, pretty much what I said.  Only not as scientific.

It all boils down to physics, my dear husband.  Just like shotgunning a beer.

Get the Celebrity Mom Look: Victoria Beckham

Okay, so when you think of “mom-friendly style,” and “comfortable” and “wearable,” Victoria Beckham isn’t exactly the first celebrity to come to mind.  But I gotta tell you, I came across this picture of Vicky (yes, we’re on a nickname basis — I call her “Vicky” and she calls me “Who?”) last year and replicated the look because I’m a creepy celebrity style stalker.  The ensemble is not only mom-friendly (I’ve worn it to MANY kids’ parties…many, many, many), but it’s also classic; it’s still totally on-trend. And, best of all, you don’t need to be a size zero to rock it.

Here’s what you need:

Silk-and-cotton-blend cargo pants.  (Da Nang.  Orginally $99.  Now just $19.90 on Amazon!)

grey-tee

Simple heather grey tee that’s probably already in your closet.  But if not, here’s one on Amazon for just $13.99.

boyfriend-blazer

Black boyfriend blazer that will become your go-to jacket for fall.  (Amazon; $27, I kid you not)

taupe-wedge-pump

Okay, so Vicky’s four-inch heels aren’t great for chasing after your kid after he dumps orange juice on the cat’s head (I say, um, hypothetically).  However, wedges are a cute and more kid-chasing friendly option.  Check out the above pair from Franco Sarto for $88.95.

aviators-marc

Bring out your inner Top Gun (and, for me, hide under-eye circles) with these bad-ass aviators.  Marc by Marc Jacobs on sale for $59.48 (originally $85).

 

If you add that up…it’s barely $200 for the entire outfit!  Which is just slightly less than Vicky paid.  Just slightly.

david-beckham-fashion-week

Important editor’s note:  Hot husband supporting you at your Fashion Week show not included.

How Life on ‘Orange is the New Black’ is Easier than Life as a Mom

My nights used to end with me collapsing into bed after one too many tequila shots.  Now…?  They end with me collapsing into bed after two exhausting bedtime routines, followed by a binge-watching session of Orange is the New Black.  While I watch the lovely ladies of prison deal with their daily struggles, I can’t help but think…

You know, in some ways, life on Orange is the New Black is easier than life as a mom.

For example:

7. Meals are not only cooked for you, but they are served to you.

6. No judgment for wearing elastic waistband pants.

5. When somebody throws a tantrum, no need to deal with it — just let the guards put them in solitary, er… a time-out.

4. Actually have a 1 out of 3 chance of getting to pee by yourself with the door closed.

3. Low expectations in the beauty and grooming department.

2. Thin bed mattress is more comfortable than floor of baby’s room while trying to soothe teething infant.

1. Okay, sure, there is still somebody peeing on your floor — but at least it only happens once!